While I do not recall the events at the 2009 Golden Globes Party transpiring the same way, I am deeply ashamed (but not “sorry” because that means I’m guilty of something). I imagined that any woman would have been thrilled to see a tiny penis peeking out from below my pasty, middle-aged paunch like the head of a geriatric albino turtle moments from death, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I will do my best to learn from this situation, without reading anything or listening to anyone’s perspective other than my own.